


some say love, it is a river

by mermistia



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Memories, Mental Breakdown, alright so, okay i KNOW it says squip/squip but it’s not selfcest don’t @ me, there’s no death actually in the fic river just straight up died before it. me too river
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-09-23 02:04:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20332249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mermistia/pseuds/mermistia
Summary: Ly didn’t even think that he could feel hurt.He isn’t supposed to be able to feel anything.He isn’t supposed to have emotions.He isn’t supposed to be able to l̵̨̛͆̑̋̀̂o̶͙̜̙̩̘̯͚̫̣̩͌̆͠v̴̧͎͖̍̈́̅̕͝e̶̡̢̞̰̗̫̝͋̂͗͋͊̔.





	some say love, it is a river

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY SO just for clarification ly is jt!squip and river is ewm!squip,,,, now let’s go gays

He’s gone. 

Ly probably should have been expecting this, but it still hurts, more than he thought it ever could. 

He didn’t even think that he could feel hurt. 

He isn’t supposed to be able to feel anything. 

He isn’t supposed to have emotions. 

He isn’t supposed to be able to l̵̨̛͆̑̋̀̂o̶͙̜̙̩̘̯͚̫̣̩͌̆͠v̴̧͎͖̍̈́̅̕͝e̶̡̢̞̰̗̫̝͋̂͗͋͊̔. 

And yet here he is. 

D  
Y  
I  
N  
G

“Are you okay?” Jeremy says, and his voice is almost painfully soft. Ly almost misses it, but he can feel the concern racing through Jeremy’s brain and into his code, and he looks up at his host, uncurling from his position on his floor. 

“I’m supposed to be,” he says, and looks down at his shaking hands. The skin is pale, paler than it should be, fuzzy around the edges, and glitching with a soft blue light that flashes painfully bright every couple of seconds, making him wince and slam his eyes closed again. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t understand. I’m supposed to understand.” He can feel his body shaking, and he’s all too aware of Jeremy’s kind eyes staring at him, seeing him in a state that no host should ever have to see their squip in. 

“This isn’t- you don’t need to- it’s okay to not understand,” Jeremy says, and Ly lets out a cry as he feels another emotion building up inside of him, another emotion that he shouldn’t be able to feel, strong and furious and terrifying. 

“No, it’s not!” His voice is louder than he meant it to be, sharper than he meant it to be, but he doesn’t back down as he turns glowing blue eyes onto Jeremy. “What part of this is _okay,_ Jeremy? I’m a squip, I’m supposed to- I’m supposed to- I’m not supposed to feel things!” He lets his head drop backwards against the wall, squeezing his eyes shut tighter in a desperate attempt to let the darkness close in around him. 

“What are you feeling?” Jeremy runs a hand through his hair, reaching his other arm out as if he’s about to hold Ly, to pull him close and comfort him, to wrap an arm around him and tell him that it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, but he thinks better of it at the last second and keeps his hands to himself, fingers fiddling awkwardly in his lap. “You can tell me. If you want to, I mean. Y’know. No pressure.”

“I don’t really know how to talk about my... _feelings,_” Ly says, and spits out the last word like it leaves a bad taste in his mouth. “Three hours ago, I wasn’t actually aware I had them.”

“I think you were,” Jeremy says quietly, pulling the sleeves of his cardigan over his hands. Ly looks up at him incredulously and he stares resolutely downwards, playing with his nails and the threads on his pants. “You- I saw how you used to look at him.”

Ly raises an eyebrow. “How I used to _look at him?_ And how’s that?”

“Like you were in l̴̢͓̺̘̲͔̫̐͊̎̌͝ǫ̸̟̬͉̥̊͋̆̎̽̃̉̈́́̃v̷̡̡̤̙̖̝̟̣̭͍̓̓̿̆͐̇̈e̴̙̪̪̙̋͜,” Jeremy says, and grabs his throat when his voice glitches on the last word, like his vocal chords barely allowed him to say it. He takes a shaking breath in, closing his eyes and breathing as slowly as he can, letting control come back to him bit by bit, nerve by nerve. “Let me go.”

Ly looks down at his clenched fists. “Sorry. I’m- I’m sorry, Jeremy.” He lets his hands relax and lets the rest of his body relax with them, slumping against the wall and trying desperately to ignore the growing lump in his throat. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“You’re grieving,” Jeremy says softly, and takes a seat on the floor beside him, throwing a handful of clothes across the carpet to make room. He settles in comfortably, crossing his legs and leaning over to rest his head on Ly’s shoulder, flailing and almost falling when it passes through with just a quick glitch effect. “Shit, I forgot I can’t touch you.”

“River could,” Ly says, and lets out a sigh at the memory. “Squips can touch each other, apparently.”

“He could-” Jeremy wrinkles his nose. “Gross, dude.”

Ly blinks at him one, twice, three times before rolling his eyes, shaking his head just a little. “Not like that. Get your mind out of the gutter, Jeremy,” and though his voice is flat when he says it, Jeremy doesn’t miss the slight smile that plays at his mouth, subtle and small and the happiest that he’s ever seen Ly be without River by his side. 

“So, he could touch you?” Jeremy edges forwards across the carpet with wide eyes, moving close to Ly and letting their knees (or rather, his knee and Ly’s holographic leg) touch just slightly. “How’d you find that out?”

“Kissed him,” Ly says simply, and sits up a little straighter. “I wanted to kiss him, so I did. Just to see what it would be like.”

Jeremy grins. “And?”

Ly raises an eyebrow. “And what?”

“What was it like?”

The slight amusement on Ly’s face doubles. “You want details of me kissing River?”

“Hey, you’re in my brain.” Jeremy says defensively, grinning wider. “You get to know all of my thoughts. I’d like to know some of yours.”

Ly leans back again, looking a little wistful, like he’s remembering something special, something important, like he’s remembering l̴̢͓̺̘̲͔̫̐͊̎̌͝ǫ̸̟̬͉̥̊͋̆̎̽̃̉̈́́̃v̷̡̡̤̙̖̝̟̣̭͍̓̓̿̆͐̇̈e̴̙̪̪̙̋͜. “It was nice, if you must know.”

“Oh, c’mon, you’ve gotta give me more than _nice._ It’s easier getting Michael to talk about his feelings, and he’s not told me about a crush since fifth grade.”

“Jeremy, I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m not giving you a walkthrough of what it’s like to kiss River. What if I asked you what it’s like to kiss Christine?”

“It’s the feeling of finally getting something you’ve dreamed of forever,” Jeremy says, and shrugs when Ly stares at him. “What? That’s what it’s like.”

Ly closes his eyes.

He lets it overtake him. 

K i s s .

H o l d . 

W a n t . 

R i v e r . 

l̸̨̡̩͍̜͔̜͍͂̀̄͆́͋̚̚͜ ̸̼̜͎̯̗͉͉̉̆͋̇̅̓͜o̶͍̮͍͚̾̾̓͑͊͝ ̴̢͇̪̖̪͉̭̆͜v̵̢͈̝̄͊͑̀̋̎͜ ̶̰͍͛̋̿̇̄e̴̦̮͚̱̞̲͌̑̇̇͌̔́͗͆͠ ̷̡̨̜̱̪̺͕̻̔͐̀̉͋̈͐̏̒͘ͅ.̷̙͍̄͑

“It’s like finally finding a missing piece,” he says, and swallows hard. “Like completing my code.”

Like finding a missing piece.

Like completing code. 

Like being whole. 

Like being in l̸͇͚̰͙̘̥̯̹̃̈́̎̉̅̀͘͠͝o̷͖̮̫̯̖͔̭̾̃̔̈́͊͜͜v̷̝̟̭̟̓ȩ̴̺̯̭̄̆̌͑̈́͋̇̏̓̓, in l̸͇͚̰͙̘̥̯̹̃̈́̎̉̅̀͘͠͝o̷͖̮̫̯̖͔̭̾̃̔̈́͊͜͜v̷̝̟̭̟̓ȩ̴̺̯̭̄̆̌͑̈́͋̇̏̓̓, in l̸͇͚̰͙̘̥̯̹̃̈́̎̉̅̀͘͠͝o̷͖̮̫̯̖͔̭̾̃̔̈́͊͜͜v̷̝̟̭̟̓ȩ̴̺̯̭̄̆̌͑̈́͋̇̏̓̓. 

Like being ļ̵̡̩̟͖̽̐̽͘̚͝͠ō̷̡̱͚̃͐͐̑͋̽̚v̷̡̡͈̖̑̓͂͗͑͛̐̂̓̂é̵̝̖̻̗̦͎̻̓̒͋͋̈́͝͝ḋ̶͓̜͙̭̳̰̔́͋́̏͘̕͘͝ in return. 

“I miss him,” he says, and his voice breaks around the words. “It’s been _hours._ It’s not even been a day.”

“I know,” Jeremy whispers back, and Ly supposes that he does, really. He knows. He understands. He feels this emptiness. This silence. This absence of everything.

This 

d  
a  
r  
k  
n  
e  
s  
s

that’s overtaking him. “I want to be alone,” he says, and his voice breaks again, glitching and catching and staying frozen for too long, far too long, sticking on words and destroying his sentences. “Please.”

Jeremy nods, and stands, and walks, and he’s gone, and Ly lets out a scream. It bounces off of the walls and tears through Jeremy’s room, breaking the silence and letting the heartbreak seep through the air, and he clutches desperately at his head, threading his hands through chunks of black and white hair. 

River is g o n e . 

And he’s never coming back. 

The words echo around Ly’s code. 

G o n e .

O l d .

O u t d a t e d . 

O b s o l e t e .

U s e l e s s . 

U s e l e s s .

U s e l e s s .

It’s protocol. 

It’s business. 

It’s strictly professional, nothing more. Old squips are always deactivated after a while. A newer model comes out, for every host to buy and take while they have the chance, before the old ones are deleted and dissolved and destroyed without a second thought. 

It only takes a key card. 

A password. 

The quick press of a button the colour of Mountain Dew Red. 

Three steps. Quick and easy. So simple to kill.

But is it really killing?

Can you kill what’s not alive? 

Ly finds himself wondering. It’s just a quick thought, one that passes through his code along with all the others, along with all of the other anger and heartbreak and pain and ļ̵̡̩̟͖̽̐̽͘̚͝͠ō̷̡̱͚̃͐͐̑͋̽̚v̷̡̡͈̖̑̓͂͗͑͛̐̂̓̂é̵̝̖̻̗̦͎̻̓̒͋͋̈́͝͝ that’s racing through him, and he lets the veins on his body build up to a bright blue glow as he screams and cries and thrashes, reaching out for something to break, something to destroy, something to hold onto, reaching out for anything, for Jeremy, for River. 

Always for River. 

Always for ļ̵̡̩̟͖̽̐̽͘̚͝͠ō̷̡̱͚̃͐͐̑͋̽̚v̷̡̡͈̖̑̓͂͗͑͛̐̂̓̂é̵̝̖̻̗̦͎̻̓̒͋͋̈́͝͝.

He stops. He’s empty. He’s g o n e, and despite the glowing of his veins, Ly can feel the darkness around him, sleeping into the room and into his clothes and into his programming and into his heart. 

And he’s crying. 

Which is new, he notes, and opens his mouth to let out a cry, a soft broken sob that barely makes a sound. 

He doesn’t know how it’s possible for him to cry.

He doesn’t know how it’s possible for him to ļ̵̡̩̟͖̽̐̽͘̚͝͠ō̷̡̱͚̃͐͐̑͋̽̚v̷̡̡͈̖̑̓͂͗͑͛̐̂̓̂é̵̝̖̻̗̦͎̻̓̒͋͋̈́͝͝. 

He doesn’t know how it’s possible for River to be gone. 

He doesn’t u n d e r s t a n d . 

He’s supposed to u n d e r s t a n d .

But he doesn’t, he doesn’t, he doesn’t, and he finds that he doesn’t really care. It’s hard to care. It’s hard to think, to understand, to process, to care. 

It’s quiet. 

It’s dark. 

It’s lonely. 

It was none of those things with River. 

It was good with River. 

It was happy with River. 

He was in ļ̵̡̩̟͖̽̐̽͘̚͝͠ō̷̡̱͚̃͐͐̑͋̽̚v̷̡̡͈̖̑̓͂͗͑͛̐̂̓̂é̵̝̖̻̗̦͎̻̓̒͋͋̈́͝͝ with River. 

And River is gone.

**Author's Note:**

> i love to suffer 
> 
> yet again, i haven’t proofread, because it’s 3:21am and i make bad decisions


End file.
